


not should but shout

by sandyk



Category: Superstore (TV)
Genre: F/M, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 02:23:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13044531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: Amy's miserable being married.





	not should but shout

**Author's Note:**

> Title and opening quote from Jangle & Sweat, Twenty-O-Eight by Tamiko Beyer. Not mine, no profit garnered.

_not should but shout_   
_not shout but shoulder_   
_not shoulder but soldier_   
_not soldier but bone_   
_not bone but body_

 

This is how Amy's ordinary day goes. She wakes up when her alarm goes off and she turns it off. She uses her phone for her alarm like every other person in the world. Adam always wakes up a little and he reaches for her. He pats her head or her shoulder or misses entirely. But he always reaches for her. He loves her. He reaches for her.

She takes a quick shower and then blow dries her hair. She gets dressed, she lays out her clothes the night before. She puts on her smidge of make up after she brushes her teeth. She usually browses Instagram while she brushes her teeth, her cousin who lives in Montana posts these amazing pictures of the sky and the mountains. She follows a few celebrities, but she's not like Cheyenne where half her feed is just Kardashians and Jenners and models selling things. Because Instagram does that stupid non-chronological thing, she always goes straight to Scott Wolf's page to see if he's updated. She doesn't want to miss anything.

She also follows his wife. She feels a little uncomfortable with that, but whatever, it's a public Instagram.

She checks on Emma, just opens her door a crack. She always blows Emma a kiss. She figures she can get away with that for a few more years.

She goes downstairs and makes her coffee from expensive instant coffee. It's not that expensive but she never buys the cheapest one. One time Adam wanted to get one of those coffee machines you can set like an alarm and you wake up and it's ready for you. She didn't like the idea because all she could picture was Adam forgetting something or not getting up in time and somehow it would be a huge mess. She told him it was too expensive.

She microwaves a breakfast burrito which tastes nothing like a real breakfast burrito, the kind of her mom makes. But it only takes two minutes and she eats it while she reads Facebook. By then her coffee is done, so she pours it into a travel mug and heads out the door.

She finishes her coffee by the time she gets to work. She parks her car and thinks Adam loves her. Adam loves her a lot. He loves her.

By the time she gets into the store, she wonders why she clings to that and not, like, she loves him. She does love him.

She sees Jonah and thinks, wonders. She says, "Did you ever have one of those coffee machines that you can program to make your coffee in the morning? Before you wake up?"

"My dad had one," Jonah says. "It was pretty cool."

"Did it ever make a mess?"

"No, no, it's pretty hard to screw one of those up," Jonah says.

Amy feels guilty. She should trust Adam more. Then Jonah says, "Okay, wait. My nephew once tried to program it and everything went sideways. I think he actually broke it. But, you know, oldest grandchild, everything was forgiven."

Amy smiles. She makes jokes with Cheyenne during the meeting. She exchanges a few eyerolls with Jonah. Then she works. It's another long day. An exhausting day. The only bright spot is during the break when she and Jonah are talking about something, she can't even remember what specifically, but she laughs a lot.

She gets home right before Emma gets home from school. She makes Emma a snack and they sit at the kitchen table while Emma tells her about her day and starts working on her homework. Amy makes dinner for the three of them, of course. Adam comes home and upset about his hours and she reassures him. She's worried, too, because how are they supposed to get along on just her salary and it comes out defensive as usual. She snaps at him, she says she's sorry. She and Adam watch some dumb movie on Netflix that Adam picked. It makes her laugh at least.

They get upstairs and she's exhausted, she has to start at 6 am the next day anyway. So they kiss a little but then Amy falls asleep. Adam is still awake when she closes her eyes, playing some game on his tablet.

It's a typical day, it's every day. Sometimes things are really good and Amy has the day off so she and Adam go out to eat or do something and he manages to make her laugh and she remembers that she does love him. She loves him.

There are a lot of bad days, especially after Adam gets laid off. His unemployment is less than half of what he was making. Adam doesn't look very hard for a job. She doesn't think he looks very hard. She's probably being too harsh.

She tries to check in with Adam, like, how is it going? What jobs are you looking for? He snaps at her that he's looking, he's really looking. What does she think he's doing?

Amy says, "Can we not fight? Can we just talk? Can we do that anymore?"

"You started it," Adam says. Then he relaxes and they do talk. They have a nice talk. 

The next day, he reaches for her as she leaves again. When she gets home exhausted from work, she even initiates sex. It's good. It's okay. 

She's thinking about it at work and she remembers when they were younger and Adam was so passionate, she felt so loved and sexy. Adam doesn't really make her feel sexy anymore. Like he looks at her and he sees all their fights and how she never supports him. She would support him. If he ever had a good idea.

Jonah's wearing those skinny khakis he seems to think he can get away with. They make him look skinny. She remembers what he looked like naked from the back. That was a nice image. That is a nice image, she remembers it a lot. Jonah says, "You're smiling. What are you thinking about?"

"Heavy cream," Amy says. "Heavy cream, like you use for making whipped cream and my brother uses it as his creamer in his coffee, which is wacky. It's wacky because he likes to buy super dark coffee and then puts in heavy creamer, like, why not just buy regular coffee if you're going to water it down so much?"

"Cream it down," Jonah says. "Oh, wow, I'm sorry, that sounded gross and sexual."

"It really did, but I put you on the path. How many times did I say heavy cream? Like I'm Prince or something," Amy says.

"He actually did have a whole song called Cream," Jonah says. "Or C dot R dot E --"

"I get it," Amy says. She's laughing as they finally move away from each other. 

She's miserable being married.

She thinks it while she drives home and while she drives to work. She should do something about that. That's what people should do. Don't just stay miserable. Find a way to resolve their differences. Just, like, wipe out the last eight, nine years of their lives except for Emma, and start over and do things differently. She can't picture anything else.

She watches Bob's Burgers with Emma. She starts getting super depressed because she really wants what Bob and Linda have. They're so in love. Emma's laughing and Amy is just trying to sink into the cushions and never come back. 

Amy goes out with Mateo and Garrett and she gets pretty damn drunk. There's a cute bartender who sort of looks like the Latino hot guy from Jane the Virgin the drunker she gets. Mateo and Garrett leave after making her swear she'll get Uber. "Duh," she says super loud. 

The cute bartender walks her out so she isn't waiting alone. She gets up on her tippy toes and kisses him. She's totally turned on by his very manly arms, he even has a tattoo. Then she steps back, holds back some vomit and says, "Look, my Uber. Nice meeting you."

"You too," hottie bartender says. She wonders if he's still hot when she's sober, and prays she never sees him again. 

When she's throwing up, Adam comes in the bathroom and laughs. He doesn't hold her hair or anything. She had the worst morning sickness with Emma and Adam always held her hair. Jonah held her hair. Adam says, "I made you some french fries, extra grease, for when you're done throwing up. I know you love it."

"Thanks," she says. She feels so guilty. 

Adam starts doing the temp construction gig thing. He's always tired. He works four or five days a week but it's not a real job. That's the way he says it, not a real job. 

She's tired, too. She feels guilty about kissing the bartender, she feels guilty about not spending more time with Emma. She tried to check Emma's homework every day but sometimes she just can't catch Emma during the day. 

Mateo and Garrett try to convince her to go back to that bar. "We got so many cheap drinks from that bartender trying to get in your pants," Garrett said. 

"No way," Amy says. She's worried she's going to give herself away. "I bet he'd like Mateo, too. He's very attractive."

"I know when you're trying to flatter me," Mateo said. "But you're right."

Instead she sits out front with Jonah who has a very expensive bottle of something. "My aunt sent it to me," he says. "I'm not sure it's legal to mail to me?"

"We better destroy the evidence," Amy says. 

When she's with Jonah, they never run out of things to say. He laughs at her jokes. He looks at her like she's amazing. When she's pretty drunk, she leans over and braces herself on the wicker bench and kisses him. 

He's into it, he clutches at her hair, her legs open like she wants him to fuck her right there. 

He sits back and says, "You're married."

"I'm not happy," she says. "Oh, god, I'm not happy. I am really super unhappy in my marriage. If I say something, he'll suddenly want to try counseling and I'll go and it won't work. We can't make it work."

"I'm sorry," Jonah says. He pats her hand as he scoots a little away from her. "That sounds awful."

"Can't we just make out and then tomorrow I'll deal with everything? Promise?"

"That's a bad idea," Jonah says. She scoots closer. Jonah says, "Just make out?"

She nods. Then she's on his lap and she kisses him while she presses herself against his chest. He gropes at her breasts, but not in a bad high school way. She's really turned on, he has nice hands. Nice hands on her boobs, tongue in her mouth, his soft hand on her face and in her hair. She's so into this and she stands up, tugging at his hands. "What about your car? Like, your backseat?"

He blinks and she can see him calculating that this is going beyond making out, back of the the car is naked and sex. But he's looking at her and his face is flushed and she knows he's hard. He says, "Okay. Okay."

When they get into the back seat of his car, she unzips her pants and pulls them down to her ankles. Her underwear just goes with her pants. Jonah is sitting besides looking confused and awestruck. She dwells on the awestruck part. She's running on adrenaline and guilt and lust. She doesn't know what Jonah's running on but he pushes at the back of her thighs, her back against the side of car and her legs spread at his touch and he dips his mouth down. She closes her eyes and her calves and feet are on his back. His mouth is so warm and his fingers feel delicate on her, parting her, opening her, soft little strokes with his fingers and his tongue and his skin is really just so smooth against her thighs and her vagina. She pushes into his face. She says his name over and over again, and please. She talks faster and faster and pulls at his hair and she comes and nearly bangs her head on the window, she trembles and melts into his seat. 

She says, "Do you have a condom? Say yes."

"Yes," he says. He reaches into the front seat. His face is shiny from her. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I am sure I want you to fuck me," she says. "I am super sure." 

She watches him put the condom on, awkwardly but securely. She kicks off her pants and underwear and spreads her legs so he can be on top of her. He pulls her down so her back is on the seat and then he's on top of her. She practically pushes herself on his dick while he pushes in. She loves this, she feels herself open to him and he's not an asshole who jackhammers his way in, battering her, he even has a nice rhythm and his hand between her legs, touching her to make her come again. "Amy," he says. 

She opens her eyes and he's staring down at her, earnest while fucking. He presses down his chest on hers and all she feels is his dick inside her. His chanting of her name devolves and he comes. He makes her come again. He rests on her for a moment and then pushes himself up. He shifts out of her and carefully removes the condom. He reaches into the front seat again. "I have these for my face, but," he says. He holds up some Burt Bees face wipes. She takes one and then a second one. Then she gets dressed. By the time she gets out of the car, Jonah is coming back from the trash can. 

"It's embarrassing," Jonah says. "I didn't want to leave another used condom in the parking lot, so I threw it away in a paper cup. I don't know, it's just weird. I've cleaned up too many condoms out here."

Amy blushes. "I should get home. I'll talk to Adam tomorrow. I will."

"You don't owe me, you don't have to, you should do it," Jonah says. 

Amy rolls her eyes. She's sober enough to drive home so she does. In the morning, Adam still reaches for her. He's so tired. She can't talk to him now. 

She finds Jonah at work right before the usual super early stupid morning meeting. She says, "I woke up way before Adam, so let's, um, don't say anything?"

"I wouldn't," Jonah says. 

She leaves at two and picks up Emma. Adam gets home late, he basically collapses on the couch. He's exhausted. He's doing manual labor to help them keep it together. He loves her. She sits down next to him on the couch and offers him a sandwich. 

"You got in the kitchen and made me a sandwich," Adam says, smiling. "Thank you." 

So she doesn't say anything. She still ends up in the backseat of Jonah's car again. This time he's on his back and she's riding his dick. He gropes her breasts and it's just as good as the first time which was so fucking great. Thankfully, he doesn't do the whole awkward monologue on throwing out the condom this time. She says, "I swear, I'm going to talk to Adam. I don't want to do this to him. Or you. Or me. Or, God, Emma."

"Amy, it's okay," Jonah says.

"Maybe you shouldn't be so nice to me," Amy says.

"I don't think I could be mean to you," Jonah says.

"Tell me that in ten years when every time I tell you to wash the dishes you act like I'm telling you your dick is small," Amy says. 

"I don't think I'm going to tell you that in ten years," Jonah says. 

"It would be weird," she says. "Sorry."

She keeps trying to tell Adam and she can't even open her mouth. Suddenly she sees him as the good man he is. She knows that. She knew that. 

The third time she has sex with Jonah it's at his apartment which feels like some kind of line she'd crossed. Sex in a car in a parking lot could be just being wild and doing something she regrets. At Jonah's apartment, she is really making a conscious choice to cheat. She's in the bathroom looking at her face in the mirror after some awkward, clumsy sex that still made her laugh and come. She should just leave Adam. She should at least tell him she's not happy. 

Even though she is happy all the time, just the time she's spending with Jonah. 

She wakes up in the morning and Adam isn't reaching for her. She shakes him awake. "Adam," she says. 

She gives him some time to wake up, a minute or two. Then she says, "I want a divorce."

"Are you kidding?" Adam sits up. "Just like that?"

"Yes," Amy says. "It's not just like that. We're not happy. I'm not happy. I don't know when things got so hard for us. But it is. It's so hard. I know marriage is work, but should it be that hard? This hard?"

"It's not that hard. I'm sorry. Why can't we try more?" 

She has a moment of wanting to give in. A moment at least. She says, "Haven't we've been trying? We're always trying. When do we get to easy, Adam? Easier?"

Adam shakes his head. "We've been together so long, Amy. I love you."

"I love you, too. But I think it's been too long," Amy says. 

"No, it hasn't," Adam says. "I know it's not. Can't we do something?"

"What do you want to do?" Amy is thinking about telling Emma her parents are splitting up and she suddenly wants to grasp at straws. 

"I don't know," Adam says. "Counseling?"

"Do you really think that would work?" She can't see how anything would help.

Adam looks away. He says, "I had an affair two years ago. For six months. And then I broke it off and I rededicated myself to our marriage. We can overcome this."

"You had an affair? You had an affair. That's a sign, Adam," she says. She tries to be furious. But she's just so very tired.

"I broke it off," Adam says. "I broke it off because I love you and I love Emma."

"We both love Emma. It doesn't mean we should be together," Amy says. "I've spent the last month making out with other guys." She should say she's been having an affair, too. One kiss from a bartender doesn't really match up with the four times she's had sex with Jonah. 

"The last month?" Adam just stares at her. He says, "You want a divorce so you can sleep around."

"Yeah, that's exactly why. Come on, Adam, stop it. We're not in love the way we were. What example are we giving Emma?" She sighs. "We should show her love. Like, how two people act when their relationship works. Which is not us."

Adam looks at his empty hands. He says, "Okay. I can't talk you into staying."

"And you don't want me to," Amy says. 

"Okay, no, I don't," he says.

"I'm sorry," she says. 

"Me, too," he says.


End file.
